*****WARNING*****
The following post is induced by a long weekend of too many things to do and 4+ hours of driving time ("thinking time" that rarely occurs in my life) in the car with 5 children. It is merely some brain regurgitation. And you should just be glad that I can't drive and blog at the same time, because that would have been a little too emotionally charged.
It is also influenced by the realization that our children are only getting older. As I discussed with My Love earlier this evening - - If only they could stay at about 5 years old, I would know I could handle this. When life's problems could be solved with a nap and playing in the sprinklers it was a simpler time. Now to go with the physical exhaustion of 5 physically present children, we add the mental exhaustion as our children progress.
Don't get me wrong. I love my children unendingly (I am not sure if that is a word...oh well). They are amazing people. However, there are times when my inadequacy becomes overwhelming and I feel they are being slighted.
I think that perhaps the reason that I have not started a blog before now is because I know my self too well. This leads to many reasons why I should not be a blogger.
1) I can manage to say in 50 words or more what a normal person would say in 15 words.
2) I know that my life is not that interesting, and yet in retrospect it is most frequently comical.
3) What do I have to offer to anyone that might inspire them other than the realization that their life is really not that bad.
I could continue, but I am sure you would rather I not. And yet, here I am.
The following post is induced by a long weekend of too many things to do and 4+ hours of driving time ("thinking time" that rarely occurs in my life) in the car with 5 children. It is merely some brain regurgitation. And you should just be glad that I can't drive and blog at the same time, because that would have been a little too emotionally charged.
It is also influenced by the realization that our children are only getting older. As I discussed with My Love earlier this evening - - If only they could stay at about 5 years old, I would know I could handle this. When life's problems could be solved with a nap and playing in the sprinklers it was a simpler time. Now to go with the physical exhaustion of 5 physically present children, we add the mental exhaustion as our children progress.
Don't get me wrong. I love my children unendingly (I am not sure if that is a word...oh well). They are amazing people. However, there are times when my inadequacy becomes overwhelming and I feel they are being slighted.
I think that perhaps the reason that I have not started a blog before now is because I know my self too well. This leads to many reasons why I should not be a blogger.
1) I can manage to say in 50 words or more what a normal person would say in 15 words.
2) I know that my life is not that interesting, and yet in retrospect it is most frequently comical.
3) What do I have to offer to anyone that might inspire them other than the realization that their life is really not that bad.
I could continue, but I am sure you would rather I not. And yet, here I am.
I think it is best stated in a quote I found on another blog:
(another new obsession)
"We write to taste life twice, once in the moment and again in retrospection."
-Anais Nin
A friend upon our meeting and getting acquainted (at a church basketball game our husband participated in) once asked about the history of our family. She just wanted to make sure that our 7 year old whose Primary class she had substituted for wasn't making stuff up about our family. I assured her the information she had been given was, in fact, true.
Her reply still leaves me wondering: "Your shoulders just got a lot bigger."
To which I replied,"I am the same person I was before you asked the question."
I am not sure I think of how other people see me. Perhaps I should consider that more often. I am just trying to be myself and hope to accomplish that one day, if I am ever able to figure out exactly who I am.
I realize that I can get caught up in my own little world and I feel I should reach out to others but I don't know how. And, I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Sometimes, it is all I can do to focus my energy just to get through the day. But how do you explain that to others? I am not trying to be self-centered, I am just trying to get by.
The thing that I don't get is what is it that people think I am? So many have made comments about how strong I am or how talented I am at this or that or whatever the comment may be, and all I can think is how they couldn't be further from the truth. How is it that I am perceived as something I really don't think I am?
I see myself in comparison to others I know and love:
One whose only wish is for more children, and has to struggle through miscarriages and disappointment while others, unknowingly, make hurtful remarks.
One whose hope for many children is answered only to find that her first pregnancy is threatening her own health and if it can possibly be successful may also be her last.And by successful they are hoping for 28 weeks pregnancy. What struggles follow that?
One whose current wish is to raise her 3 beautiful young daughters as she endures her 4th round of chemo and battles for her life.
Who am I to compare to these women?
My life is so blessed and I can only feel gratitude for all that I am able to do, which consequently seems never to be enough.
I warned you in the beginning! It was a long, introspective weekend.
It was a good weekend! We were able to attend a baby blessing for our newest family member, our niece and cousin, Chalyn. We were able to spend time with family that we don't see often enough, even though they are just 2 hours away. Life just keeps getting more and more complicated.
Okay, enough rambling for one night. Besides, I have to finish preparations for my RS Enrichment Class tomorrow night. Which, coincidentally, begins at the same time 2 different soccer practices in 2 different locations end, while 2 other soccer practices are beginning across town. I have to work on the logistics of that one later. It requires more brain power than I have left today.
For now just know that I am so very grateful for the life that I have. For the family and friends that put up with me, in spite of myself. Thank you all for the person you are helping me to become.
3 comments:
You are amazing, and don't ever forget it! Love-Alisa
Michelle, you are always so good at helping me with perspective! I still remember fondly our walks (mostly talks outside your home late at night!) and wish we could keep that going.
Reading others and writing my own blog has become my new obsession too! I feel like I'm able to reconnect and keep up with my old friends this way. Check it out... http://dealfamily-thesweetlife.blogspot.com/
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle... Why are you so darn AMAZING??? You've had a lot of crap to deal with, but I think the Lord has used you as a way to say to the rest of us, "See, look what she's doing, and she's had to deal with all these other really incredibly hard things. Don't you think you can pick yourself up and do just a teensy bit better, considering that I haven't asked you to deal with the things Michelle has?" I have to say, you are an inspiration to me--to be kinder, to be more positive, to be a better friend, and to be a better example. I understand the "instrospective" moments very well, but don't forget that being so introspective often causes you to lose your PERspective. You ARE amazing, and don't let that darn Michelle tell you you're not! :-) I love ya, man!
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